Five Tips to Help Parents Understand Their Adult Children

I wrote You and Your Adult Child to help parents understand how to develop, maintain, and strengthen their relationship with their grown child. But while I was recording the audiobook, I was assisted by a producer and sound engineer who were in their twenties, who were exposed to the book for the first time. Both spontaneously told me that they felt misunderstood by their parents and were going to get a copy of the book for them.

 

Many parents don’t really understand how young adulthood has changed since they themselves were that age. And this often leads to misunderstandings between parents and their adult kids. Here are some points to keep in mind as you navigate this stage in your family’s life:

 

First, don’t use the timeline you followed as a young adult to judge your child’s progress. Stop saying, or even thinking, “When I was your age.” It’s an unhelpful way to think about how your kid is doing.

 

Second, recognize and support your child’s need to establish autonomy from you, which will intensify as they approach their thirties. Don’t get upset when they choose not to follow your advice or tell you, in so many words, to mind your own business. Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about their need to demonstrate that they can handle the demands of adulthood without always relying on their parents.

 

Third, take time to analyze your own emotions when you feel hurt by your kid. All parents have unpleasant feelings about their kids from time to time—they feel neglected, unappreciated, disrespected, or annoyed. This is perfectly normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. But sometimes your bad feelings are due to your interpretation of your child’s behavior and not really about what your child has or hasn’t done.

 

Fourth, try not to ruminate, either alone or in conversation with a friend, about experiences with your child that have hurt or disappointed you. Once you’ve had a chance to step back and figure out what’s bothering you, let your child know what you’re feeling. And don’t be afraid to seek counseling if you get into a rut you can’t climb out of.

 

Finally, when trying to decide whether to voice your opinion or bite your tongue, use this general principle: Speak up when you must, but unless your child specifically asks for your opinion, keep it to yourself. The exceptions to this guidance are situations in which your kid, their partner, or their child are potentially exposed to grave and irreparable harm. If you can follow these suggestions often, you’ll be laying a strong foundation for the future of your relationship with your adult child.