For readers of Beautiful Boy and The Night of the Gun, this gripping memoir explores addiction, grief, and family trauma as one woman goes in search of her sister’s killer.

In the summer of 2015, Nadia Bowers’s beloved older sister, Sasha—a social worker and Ivy League graduate—was found in her car in a restaurant parking lot in their hometown outside New Haven, Connecticut, dead from a fentanyl overdose. Plunged into grief, equipped with Sasha’s phone, and just weeks from giving birth to her first child, Nadia began to investigate her sister’s shadow life: who sold Sasha the drugs that killed her? Did they know each other well? Did the dealer have any idea who Sasha was, outside of addiction?

Expanding on her viral 2018 This American Life essay of the same name—a letter to this imagined dealer—Bowers’s memoir is a love letter, a diary, and a quest in search of the dealer’s identity, as well as her own. Who is she without her sister? Who is she because of her sister? And what now? Bowers reflects on her shifting roles as sister and mother, examining how loss has reshaped her sense of self. Her letters to the faceless dealer are interwoven with rage, reflection, and even moments of humor as she recounts their intertwined lives alongside memories of charismatic and complex Sasha.

Rooted in unflinching honesty and poetic prose, Dear Dealer is a richly compelling account of one woman’s search for meaning, forgiveness, and hope in the aftermath of tragedy.