Radical Acceptance

Do you find yourself saying yes to too many requests? Frustrated by a meddling in-law or parent? Overtired, undernourished, or stressed? You may need to learn to set better boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to establish limits on the influence others have on your life and to make choices about what’s right for you. Therapy Within Reach: Setting Boundaries will teach you why you need boundaries in every area of your life—from your relationships to your health to your work—and how to set them. 

Boundary setting is a skill that requires taking action, so you will find one hundred hands-on activities in this book. These exercises provide concrete opportunities to develop and practice your boundary-setting skills in quick and simple ways. For example, you can learn how to accept what you can’t change. 

Practice Radical Acceptance 

You can change or influence some things in life but not others. People often seek therapy when they feel anxious, depressed, or stuck trying to change things or people they cannot. On the surface, this may not appear to be a boundaries issue, but it is, because when you have healthy boundaries, you accept that you cannot change other people. In this activity, you will practice an invaluable skill to help you accept reality to be safe for you and others: radical acceptance. This is the skill of fully accepting reality for what it is. This is a life-changing skill but is very difficult to practice, especially in relationships. 

How to Do It 

1. Write down the parts of your life you want to change. Most people have a wound they want to heal, a habit they want to change, and/or a relationship they want to improve. 
2. Write down in what specific ways you want to make a change. Maybe you want your mom to be less critical of you or your friend to be less flaky. 
3. Review your list and underline all the situations you have complete control over changing. This may be items like finding a new job, going back to school, or learning to assert yourself. 
4. Now circle anything on your list that involves other people’s actions. For example, if you want your mom to be less judgmental, she’ll have to agree to work on this. Remember that you have the right and responsibility to assert your needs and limits clearly and kindly—yet you cannot decide if other people will change or not. 
5. To get some experience with radical acceptance, practice this skill often. Set a reminder for yourself on your phone to “Practice Radical Acceptance” every day this week at a specific time. When you see this reminder, keep it in mind to work on accepting the things you can’t change or control. If you encounter traffic or there’s a line at your lunch spot, your natural and understandable urge may be to get upset—yet you cannot control these things. You will only add to your suffering if you get worked up about it. When these types of opportunities to radically accept reality arise, take a deep breath and repeat, “It is what it is.” Then consider what options you have now. If you’re stuck in traffic, you may have time to catch up on a podcast you like, for example. 

Just like you can develop and strengthen muscles, you will develop and strengthen your ability to set boundaries in a way that feels natural and intuitive. Your ongoing commitment to boundaries will help you build healthy relationships, boost your confidence, and create a happy and well-balanced life.