Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
—LEWIS CARROLL, THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS
Valerie Russell felt something cold touch the small of her back and spun around, striking without thinking. Her slap connected with flesh. A can of soda hit the concrete floor of the locker room and rolled, sticky brown liquid fizzing as it pooled. Other girls looked up from changing into sweats and started to giggle.
Hands raised in mock surrender, Ruth laughed. “Just a joke, Princess Badass of Badassia.”
“Sorry,” Val forced herself to say, but the sudden surprise of anger hadn’t entirely dissipated and she felt like an idiot. “What are you doing down here? I thought being near sweat gave you hives.”
Ruth sat down on a green bench, looking glamorous in a vintage smoking jacket and long velvet skirt. Ruth’s brows were thin pencil lines, her eyes outlined with black kohl and red shadow. Her hair was glossy black, paler at the roots and threaded with purple braids. She took a deep drag on her clove cigarette and blew smoke in the direction of one of Val’s teammates. “Only my own sweat.”
Val rolled her eyes, smiling. Val and Ruth had been friends forever, for so long that Val was used to being the overshadowed one, the “normal” one, the one who set up the witty one-liners, not the one who delivered them. She liked that role; it made her feel safe. Robin to Ruth’s Batman. Chewbacca to her Han Solo.
Val leaned down to kick off her sneakers and saw herself in the small mirror on her locker door, strands of orangey hair peeking out from a green bandanna.
Ruth had been dyeing her own hair since the fifth grade, first in colors you could buy in boxes at the supermarket, then in crazy, beautiful colors like mermaid green and poodle pink, but Val had only dyed her hair once. It had been a store-bought auburn; darker and richer than her own pale color, but it had gotten her grounded anyway. Back then, her mother punished her every time she did anything to show that she was growing up. Mom didn’t want her to get a bra, didn’t want her to wear short skirts, and didn’t want her dating until high school. Now that she was in high school, all of a sudden her mother was pushing makeup and dating advice. Val had gotten used to pulling her hair back in bandannas, wearing jeans and T-shirts though, and didn’t want to change.
“I’ve got some statistics for the flour-baby project and I picked out some potential names for him.” Ruth unshouldered her giant messenger bag. The front flap was smeared with paint and studded with buttons and stickers—a pink triangle peeling at the edges, a button hand-lettered to say “Still Not King,” a smaller one that read “Some things exist whether you believe in them or not,” and a dozen more. “I was thinking maybe you could come over tonight and we could work on it.”
“I can’t,” Val said. “Tom and I are going to see a hockey game in the city after practice.”
“Wow. Something you want to do for a change,” Ruth said, twirling one of her purple braids around her finger.
Val frowned. She couldn’t help noticing the edge in Ruth’s voice when she talked about Tom. “Do you think he doesn’t want to go?” Val asked. “Did he say something?”
Ruth shook her head and took another quick draw on her cigarette. “No. No. Nothing like that.”
“I was thinking that we could go to the Village after the game if there’s time. Walk around St. Mark’s.” Only a couple of months earlier, at the town fair, Tom had applied a press-on tattoo to the small of her back by kneeling down and licking the spot wet before pressing it to her skin. Now she could barely get him to kiss her.
“The city at night. Romantic.”
The way Ruth said it, Val thought she meant the opposite. “What? What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” Ruth said. “I’m just distracted or something.” She fanned herself with one hand. “So many nearly naked girls in one place.”
Val nodded, half-convinced.
“Did you look at those chat logs like I told you? Find that one where I sent you statistics about all-female households for the project?”
“I didn’t get a chance. I’ll find it tomorrow, okay?” Val rolled her eyes. “My mother is online twenty-four, seven. She has some new Internet boyfriend.”
Ruth made a gagging sound.
“What?” Val said. “I thought you supported online love. Weren’t you the one who said it was love of the mind? Truly spiritual without flesh to encumber it?”
“I hope I didn’t say that.” Ruth pressed the back of her hand to her forehead, letting her body tip backward in a mock faint. She caught herself suddenly, jerking upright. “Hey, is that a rubber band around your ponytail? That’s going to rip out your hair. Get over here; I think I have a scrunchie and a brush.”
Val straddled the bench in front of Ruth and let her work out the band. “Ouch. You’re making it worse.”
“Okay, wuss.” Ruth brushed Val’s hair out and threaded it through the cloth tie, pulling it tight enough so that Val thought she could feel the tiny hairs on the back of her neck snapping.
Jennifer walked up and leaned on her lacrosse stick. She was a plain, large-boned girl who’d been in Val’s school since kindergarten. She always looked unnaturally clean, from her shiny hair to the sparkling white of her kneesocks and her unwrinkled shorts. She was also the captain of their team. “Hey you two, take it elsewhere.”
“You afraid it’s catching?” Ruth asked sweetly.
“Fuck off, Jen,” Val said, less witty and a moment too late.
“You’re not supposed to smoke here,” said Jen, but she didn’t look at Ruth. She stared at Val’s sweats. Tom had decorated one side of them: drawing a gargoyle with permanent marker up a whole leg. The other side was mostly slogans or just random stuff Val had written with a bunch of different pens. They probably weren’t what Jen thought of as regulation practice wear.
“Never mind. I got to go anyway.” Ruth put out her cigarette on the bench, burning a crater in the wood. “Later, Val. Later, loser.”
“What is with you?” Jennifer asked softly, as though she really wanted Val to be her friend. “Why do you hang out with her? Can’t you see what a freak she is?”
Val looked at the floor, hearing the things that Jen wasn’t saying: Don’t you know that people who hang out with the weird kids are supposed to be bad at sports? Are you hot for me? Why don’t you just quit the team before we have to throw you off it?
If life were like a video game, she would have used her power move to whip Jen in the air and knock her against the wall with two strikes of a lacrosse stick. Of course, if life really were like a video game, Val would probably have to do that in a bikini and with giant breasts, each one made of separately animated polygons.
In real real life, Val chewed on her lip and shrugged, but her hands curled into fists. She’d been in two fights already since she joined the team and she couldn’t afford to be in a third one.
“What? You need your girlfriend to speak for you?”
Val punched Jen in the face.
Knuckles burning, Valerie dropped her backpack and lacrosse stick onto the already cluttered floor of her bedroom. Rummaging through her clothes, she snatched up underpants and a sports bra that made her even flatter than she already was. Then, grabbing a pair of black pants she thought were probably clean and her green hooded sweatshirt from the laundry pile, she padded out into the hall, cleated shoes scrunching fairy-tale books free from their bindings and tracking dirt over an array of scattered video-game jewel cases. She heard the plastic crack under her heels and tried to kick a few to safety.
In the hall bathroom, she stripped off her uniform. After rubbing a washcloth under her arms and reapplying deodorant, she then started pulling on her clothes, stopping only to inspect the raw skin on her hands.
“This was your last shot,” the coach had said. She’d waited three quarters of an hour in his office while everyone else practiced, and when he finally came in, she saw what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth. “We can’t afford to keep you on the team. You are affecting everyone’s sense of camaraderie. We have to be a single unit with one goal—winning. You understand, don’t you?”
There was a single knock before her door opened. Her mother stood in the doorway, perfectly manicured hand still on the knob. “What did you do to your face?”
Val sucked her cut lip into her mouth, inspected it in the mirror. She’d forgotten about that. “Nothing. It was just an accident at practice.”
“You look terrible.” Her mother squeezed in, shaking out her recently highlighted blond bob so that they were both reflected in the same mirror. Every time she went to the hairdresser, he seemed to just add more and brighter highlights, so that the original brown seemed to be drowning in a rising tide of yellow.
“Thanks so much.” Val snorted, only slightly annoyed. “I’m late. Late. Late. Late. Like the white rabbit.”
“Hold on.” Val’s mom turned and walked out of the room. Val’s gaze followed her down the hallway to the striped wallpaper and the family photographs. Her mother as a runner-up beauty queen. Valerie with braces sitting next to her mother on the couch. Grandma and Grandpa in front of their restaurant. Valerie again, this time holding her baby half sister at her dad’s house. The smiles on their frozen faces looked cartoonish and their bared teeth were too white.
A few minutes later, Val’s mother returned with a zebra-striped makeup bag. “Stay still.”
Valerie scowled, looking up from lacing her favorite green Chucks. “I don’t have time. Tom is going to be here any minute.” She hadn’t remembered to put on her own watch, so she pushed up the sleeve of her mother’s blouse and looked at hers. He was already later than late.
“Tom knows how to let himself in.” Valerie’s mother smeared her finger in some thick, tan cream and started tapping it gently under Val’s eyes.
“The cut is on my lip,” Val said. She didn’t like makeup. Whenever she laughed, her eyes teared and the makeup ran as if she’d been crying.
“You could use a little color in your face. People in New York dress up.”
“It’s just a hockey game, Mom, not the opera.”
Her mother gave that sigh, the one that seemed to imply that someday Val would find out just how wrong she was. She brushed Val’s face with tinted powder and then with nontinted powder. Then there was more powder dusted on her eyes. Val recalled her junior prom last summer and hoped her mother wasn’t going to try and re-create that goopy, shimmery look. Finally, she actually painted some lipstick over Val’s mouth. It made the wound sting.
“Are you done?” Val asked as her mom started on the mascara. A sideways look at her mother’s watch showed that the train would leave in about fifteen minutes. “Shit! I have to go. Where the hell is he?”
“You know how Tom can be,” her mother said.
“What do you mean?” She didn’t know why her mother always had to act as if she knew Val’s friends better than Val did.
“He’s a boy.” Val’s mother shook her head. “Irresponsible.”
Valerie fished out her cell from her backpack and scrolled to his name. It went right to voice mail. She clicked off. Walking back to her bedroom, she looked out the window, past the kids skateboarding off a plywood ramp in the neighbor’s driveway. She didn’t see Tom’s lumbering Caprice Classic.
She phoned again. Voice mail.
“This is Tom. Bela Lugosi’s dead but I’m not. Leave me a message.”
“You shouldn’t keep calling like that,” her mother said, following her into the room. “When he turns his phone back on, he’ll see how many calls he missed and who made them.”
“I don’t care what he sees,” Val said, thumbing the buttons. “Anyway, this is the last time.”
Val’s mother stretched out on her daughter’s bed and started to outline her own lips in brown pencil. She knew the shape of her own mouth so well that she didn’t bother with a mirror.
“Tom,” Valerie said into the phone once his voice mail picked up. “I’m walking over to the train station now. Don’t bother picking me up. Meet me on the platform. If I don’t see you, I’ll take the train and find you at the Garden.”
Her mother scowled. “I don’t know that it’s safe for you to go into the city by yourself.”
“If we don’t make this train, we’re going to be late for the game.”
“Well, at least take this lipstick.” Val’s mother rummaged in the bag and handed it over.
“How is that going to help?” Val muttered and slung her backpack over her shoulder. Her phone was still clutched in her hand, plastic heating in her grip.
Val’s mother smiled. “I have to show a house tonight. Do you have your keys?”
“Sure,” Val said. She kissed her mother’s cheek, inhaling perfume and hairspray. A burgundy lip print remained. “If Tom comes by, tell him I’m already gone. And tell him he’s an asshole.”
Her mother smiled, but there was something awkward about her expression. “Wait,” she said. “You should wait for him.”
“I can’t,” Val said. “I already told him I was going.”
With that, she darted down the stairs, out the front door, and across the small patch of yard. It was a short walk to the station and the cold air felt good. Doing something other than waiting felt good.
The asphalt parking lot of the train station was still wet with yesterday’s rain and the overcast sky swollen with the promise of more. As she crossed the lot, the signals started to flash and clang in warning. She made it to the platform just as the train ground to a stop, sending up a billow of hot, stinking air.
Valerie hesitated. What if Tom had forgotten his cell and waited for her at the house? If she left now and he took the next train, they might not find each other. She had both tickets. She might be able to leave his at the ticket booth, but he might not think to check there. And even if all that worked out, Tom would still sulk. When or if he finally showed up, he wouldn’t be in the mood to do anything but fight. She didn’t know where they could go, but she’d hoped that they could find someplace to be alone for a little while.
She chewed the skin around her thumb, neatly biting off a hangnail and then pulling so a tiny strip of skin came loose. It was oddly satisfying, despite the tiny bit of blood that welled to the surface, but when she licked it away her skin tasted bitter.
The doors to the train finally shut, ending her indecision. Valerie watched as it rolled out of the station and then started walking slowly home. She was relieved and annoyed to spot Tom’s car parked next to her mother’s Miata in the driveway. Where had he been? She sped up and yanked open the door.
And froze. The screen slipped from her fingers, crashing closed. Through the mesh, she could see her mother bent forward on the white couch, crisp blue shirt unbuttoned past the top of her bra. Tom knelt on the floor, mohawked head leaning up to kiss her. His chipped black polished fingernails fumbled with the remaining buttons on her shirt. Both of them started at the sound of the door slamming and turned toward her, faces expressionless, Tom’s mouth messy with lipstick. Somehow, Val’s eyes drifted past them, to the dried-up daisies Tom had given her for their four-month anniversary. They sat on top of the television cabinet, where she’d left them weeks ago. Her mother had wanted Val to throw them out, but she’d forgotten. She could see the stems through the glass vase, the lower portion of them immersed in brackish water and blooming with mold.
Valerie’s mother made a choking sound and fumbled to stand, tugging her shirt closed.
“Oh fuck,” Tom said, half-falling onto the beige carpet.
Val wanted to say something scathing, something that would burn them both to ashes where they were, but no words came. She turned and walked away.
“Valerie!” her mother called, sounding more desperate than commanding. Looking back, she saw her mother in the doorway, Tom a shadow behind her. Valerie started to run, backpack banging against her hip. She only slowed when she was back at the train station. There, she squatted above the concrete sidewalk, ripping up wilted weeds as she dialed Ruth’s number.
Ruth picked up the phone. She sounded as if she’d been laughing. “Hello?”
“It’s me,” Val said. She expected her voice to shake, but it came out flat, emotionless.
“Hey,” Ruth said. “Where are you?”
Val could feel tears start to burn at the edges of her eyes, but the words still came out steady. “I found out something about Tom and my mother—”
“Shit!” Ruth interrupted.
Valerie went silent for a moment, dread making her limbs heavy. “Do you know something? Do you know what I’m talking about?”
“I’m so glad you found out,” Ruth said, speaking fast, her words almost tripping over each other. “I wanted to tell you, but your mom begged me not to. She made me swear I wouldn’t.”
“She told you?” Val felt particularly stupid, but she just couldn’t quite accept that she understood what was being said. “You knew?”
“She wouldn’t talk about anything else once she found out that Tom let it slip.” Ruth laughed and then stopped awkwardly. “Not like it’s been going on for that long or anything. Honestly. I would have said something, but your mom promised she would do it. I even told her I was going to tell—but she said she’d deny it. And I did try to drop hints.”
“What hints?” Val felt suddenly dizzy. She closed her eyes.
“Well, I said you should check the chat logs, remember? Look, never mind. I’m just glad she finally told you.”
“She didn’t tell me,” Valerie said.
There was a long silence. She could hear Ruth breathing. “Please don’t be mad,” she said finally. “I just couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t be the one to tell you.”
Val clicked off her phone. She kicked a stray chunk of asphalt into a puddle, and then kicked the puddle itself. Her reflection blurred; the only thing clearly visible was her mouth, a slash of red on a pale face. She smeared it, but the color only spread.
When the next train came, she got on it, sliding into a cracked orange seat and pressing her forehead against the cool plastiglass window. Her phone buzzed and she turned it off without looking at the screen. But as Val turned back toward the window, it was her mother’s reflection she saw. It took her a moment to realize she was looking at herself in makeup. Furious, she walked quickly to the train bathroom.
The room was grubby and large, with a sticky rubber floor and hard plastic walls. The odor of urine mingled with the scent of chemical flowers. Small blobs of discarded gum decorated the walls.
Val sat down on the toilet lid and forced herself to relax, to take deep breaths of putrid air. Her fingernails dug into the flesh of her arms and somehow that made her feel a little better, a little more in control.
She was surprised by the force of her own anger. It overwhelmed her, making her afraid she might start screaming at the conductor, at every passenger on the train. She couldn’t imagine lasting the whole trip. Already she was exhausted from the effort of keeping it together.
She rubbed her face and looked down at her palm, streaked with burgundy lipstick and shaking slightly. Val unzipped her backpack and poured its contents onto the filthy floor as the train lurched forward.
Her camera clattered on the rubber tile, along with a couple of rolls of film, a book from school—Hamlet—that she was supposed to have already read, a couple of hair ties, a crumpled package of gum, and a travel grooming case her mother had given her for her last birthday. She fumbled to open it—tweezers, manicuring scissors, and a razor, all glimmering in the dim light. Valerie took out the scissors, felt the small, sharp edges. She stood up and looked into the mirror. Grabbing a chunk of her hair, she started to chop.
Stray locks curved around her sneakers like copper snakes when she was done. Val ran a hand over her bald head. It was slick with pink squirt-soap and felt rough as a cat’s tongue. She stared at her own reflection, rendered strange and plain, at unflinching eyes and a mouth pressed into a thin line. Specks of hair stuck to her cheeks like fine metal filings. For a moment, she couldn’t be sure what that mirror face was thinking.
The razor and manicuring scissors clattered into the sink as the train came to another stop. Water sloshed in the toilet bowl.
“Hello?” someone called from outside the door. “What’s going on in there?”
“Just a minute,” Val called back. She rinsed off the razor under the tap and shoved it into her backpack. Slinging it over one shoulder, she got a wad of toilet paper, dampened it, and squatted down to mop up her hair.
The mirror caught her eye again as she straightened. For a moment, it seemed like a young man looked back at her, his features so delicate that she didn’t think he could defend himself. Val blinked, opened the door, and stepped out into the corridor of the train.
She walked back to her seat, feeling the glances of the other passengers flinch from her as she passed. Staring out the window, she watched the suburban lawns slip by until they went under a tunnel and she saw only her new, alien reflection in the window.
The train pulled into an underground station and Val got off, walking through the stink of exhaust. She climbed up a narrow, unmoving escalator, crushed between people. Penn Station was thick with commuters, heads down as they passed one another, and stands that sold pendants, scarves, and fiber-optic flowers that glowed with changing colors. Valerie stuck to one of the walls, passing a filthy man sleeping under a newspaper and a group of backpack-wearing girls screaming at one another in German.
The anger she had felt on the train had drained away and Val moved through the station like a sleepwalker.
Madison Square Garden was up another escalator, past a line of taxis and stands selling sugared peanuts and sausages. A man handed her a flyer and she tried to give it back, but he was already past her and she was left holding a sheet of paper promising LIVE GIRLS. She crunched it up and stuffed it in her pocket.
She pushed through a narrow corridor jammed with people, and waited at the ticket counter. The young guy behind the glass looked up when she pushed Tom’s ticket through. He seemed startled. She thought it might be her lack of hair.
“Can you give me my money back for that?” Val asked.
“You already have a ticket?” he asked, squinting at her as though trying to figure out exactly what her scam was.
“Yeah,” she said. “My asshole ex-boyfriend couldn’t make it.”
Understanding spread across his features and he nodded. “Gotcha. Look, I can’t give you your money back because the game’s already started, but if you give me both I could upgrade you.”
“Sure,” Val said, and smiled for the first time that whole trip. Tom had already given her the money for his ticket and she was pleased that she could have the small revenge of getting a better seat from it.
He passed her the new ticket and she slid through the turnstile, wading her way through the crowd. People argued, faces flushed. The air stank of beer.
She’d been looking forward to seeing this game. The Rangers were having a great season. But even if they weren’t, she loved the way the men moved on the ice, as though they were weightless, all the while balanced on knife blades. It made lacrosse look graceless, just a bunch of people lumbering over some grass. But as she looked for the doorway to her seat, she felt dread roiling in her stomach. The game mattered to all the other people the way it had once mattered to her, but now she was just killing time before she had to go home.
She found the doorway and stepped through. Most of the seats were already occupied and she had to sidle past a group of ruddy-faced guys. They craned their necks to look around her, past the glass divider, to where the game had already started. The stadium smelled cold, the way the air did after a snowstorm. But even as her team skated toward a goal, her thoughts flickered back to her mother and Tom. She shouldn’t have left the way she had. She wished she could do it over. She wouldn’t even have bothered with her mother. She would have punched Tom in the face. And then, looking just at him, she would have said, “I expected as much from her, but I would have thought better of you.” That would have been perfect.
Or maybe she could have smashed the windows of his car. But the car was really a piece of junk, so maybe not.
She could have gone over to Tom’s house though, and told his parents about the dime bag of weed he kept between his mattress and box spring. Between that and this thing with Val’s mother, maybe his family would have sent him off to some rehabilitation facility for mom-fucking stoners.
As for her mother, the best revenge Val could ever have would be to call her dad, get her stepmother, Linda, on speakerphone, and tell them the whole thing. Val’s dad and Linda had a perfect marriage, the kind that came with two adorable, drooling kids and wall-to-wall carpeting and mostly made Val sick. Unfortunately, telling them would make the story theirs. They would tell it whenever they wanted, shout it at Val’s mother when they fought, report it to shock their golfing buddies. It was Val’s story and she was going to control it.
There was a roar from the audience. All around her, people jumped to their feet. One of the Rangers had thrown some guy from the other team down and was ripping off his own gloves. The referee grabbed hold of the Ranger, and his skate slid, slicing a line across the other player’s cheek. As they were cleared away, Val stared at the blood on the ice. A man in white came and scraped up most of it and the Zamboni smoothed the ice during halftime, but a patch of red remained, as though the stain had soaked so deep it couldn’t be drawn out. Even as her team made the final winning goal and everyone near her surged to their feet again, Val couldn’t seem to look away from the blood.
After the game, Val followed the crowd out onto the street. The train station was only a few steps away, but she couldn’t face going home. She wanted to delay a little longer, until she could figure things out, dissect what had happened a little more. The very idea of getting back on the train filled her with a sick panic that made her pulse race and her stomach churn.
She started to walk and, after a while, noticed that the street numbers got smaller and the buildings got older, lanes narrowed and the traffic thinned out. Turning left, toward what she thought might be the edge of the West Village, she passed closed clothing stores and rows of parked cars. She wasn’t quite sure of the time, but it had to be nearly midnight.
Her mind kept unraveling the looks between Tom and her mother, glances that now had meaning, hints she should have picked up on. She saw her mother’s face, some weird combination of guilt and honesty, when she’d told Val to wait for Tom. The memory made Val flinch, as though her body were trying to throw off a physical weight.
She stopped and got a slice of pizza at a sleepy shop where a woman with a shopping cart full of bottles sat in the back, drinking Sprite through a straw and singing to herself. The hot cheese burned the roof of Val’s mouth, and when she looked up at the clock, she realized she’d already missed the last train home.