THE KEY TO A GIRL’S heart is through her eyelashes.
That’s what I tell all the guys who come to me for advice. If you don’t know what to say to a girl, if you’re talking to a girl and start to panic—hell, if you accidentally hit a girl with your car and are cradling her in your arms until the paramedics arrive—the next words out of your mouth should always be a compliment about her eyelashes.
“I really like your eyelashes.”
“Your eyelashes are pretty.”
“Wow, your eyelashes are so long.”
Honestly, it doesn’t matter what you actually say. As long as you look in the general vicinity of her face, speak in an upbeat, positive tone, and manage to get out the word “eyelashes,” you’re on your way.
Upon hearing this advice, a lot of guys respond, “That’s a weird thing to say. I’ve never even noticed a girl’s eyelashes before.”
To which I reply: “Exactly.”
According to my calculations, at Kingsview High School a girl is hit on approximately three to seven times per day. There are many ways to get her attention: The jocks are flexing their muscles. The hipsters are sending her music. The preps are liking her Insta.
But not a single guy is complimenting her eyelashes.
The fact that you even acknowledged her eyelashes, that you had the guts to utter this praise out loud, to her, will immediately make you stand out.
Because, let’s face it: You’re not a jock. You’re not a hipster. You’re not a prep. If you’ve come to me for help, you’re a nobody. Just another anonymous and involuntarily celibate teenage guy who could use some guidance.
You may have heard my name, Shane Chambliss, whispered in the desolate, sexless hallways between AP Microeconomics and AP Physics and thought my services were a myth. But I can assure you that if I decide to take your case—and only the most desperate qualify—I will be your savior.
Because while in most respects I’m a totally normal high school senior, one thing sets me apart: I know girls. I know how they think. I know what they want. And though they may seem like baffling creatures who speak another language, I
will help you engage with them genuinely and thoughtfully.
Acquiring this expertise took time. I’ve spent the last few years carefully logging and codifying every interaction I’ve observed between guys and girls. Myself, my classmates, strangers in the mall—they all became my test subjects; their responses, my data. Every pickup line and rejection has been cataloged and quantified. Every tip and move has been stress-tested and tweaked.
And after all this research and painstaking fine-tuning, I have finally developed a proprietary formula that will help you approach, woo, and win over the girl of your dreams. I call it the Galgorithm.
If I take you on as a client, you will gain access to my knowledge and the laws of attraction outlined in the Galgorithm. It will help you cultivate a deep, personal connection with the girl you’ve been pining after. It is your map on the road to a fulfilling relationship.
I don’t charge. After all, helping the romantically challenged isn’t a job to me; it’s a calling. In exchange for my services, I only ask one thing: Keep my methods and my role as your mentor a secret at all costs.
Some of the lessons I impart to you may seem silly or obvious. But I can assure you that they have worked on sorrier cases than yours.
The first set of tasks is the simplest but can also be the most daunting:
• Be different.
• Notice her.
• Tell her.
The first one shouldn’t be difficult. You are different. You’re weird as hell. That’s why girls don’t talk to you in the first place. But don’t think of it as a disadvantage. Think of it as an advantage. Leverage your weirdness to stand out.
Next: Notice her. I mean really notice her—and I don’t mean her body. I’m sure you’ve more than noticed that already. I’m sure you’ve noticed it alone in your bedroom late at night. But that’s amateur hour. I need you to take her in: her smell, her clothes, her presence. Every girl is unique, but you need to discover what is unique about her.
And, finally, tell her. All the moves in the Galgorithm won’t help you a lick if you never actually use them. At some point, this girl, this fellow human being you’ve held up on a pedestal for so long—well, buddy, you’re eventually gonna have to go right up to her and say something.
Be different. Notice her. Tell her.
That’s where it all begins.
And if nothing else works, you always have your fail-safe, your watchword, your mantra . . .