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Stop People Pleasing!

FROM ANDREA OWEN, CPCC

People pleasers are everywhere. And it’s no wonder—we all want people to like us, to be accepted, and to be loved. So we run around nutty as a fruitcake, saying yes to everyone as if our lives depended on it. 
 
We live in a society that tells girls and women that they need to be “good people pleasers.” Much of our value as women and girls is placed on what we do for others and how selfless we are, even at our own expense. If you identify as a people pleaser, know there is nothing wrong with you; you have just adapted to playing by the “rules” of society or your family of origin. The point is to assess where your people-pleasing has created poor boundaries and is making you resentful, and what you want to work on. 
 
Here are some suggestions to help you work on letting go of chronic people-pleasing. Find the ones that work for you and keep practicing them until they get easier. Change won’t come overnight, but it will come. The key is to make sure you’re pleasing yourself before anyone else. 
 
  • Remember, most of the time, you make your own decisions. It’s one of those things you’ll need to remind yourself over and over again. You have a choice, even when you’re saying yes when you don’t want to. Don’t forget that.  
  • Buy yourself some time. When asked to do something, chances are that you don’t have to give an answer right then and there. You can say, “Let me check my calendar,” or “I’ll have to check with my partner and then I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” The extra time might help you find some strength to say no. 
  • Try the “If it’s not a ‘hell yes,’ it’s a ‘hell no’” mantra. When asked to do something, ask yourself if it’s a “hell yes.” You’ll probably know immediately, especially if you’re able to tap into how your body feels. If it’s a “hell maybe,” try investigating why. Do you need more information? Is your hesitation because you are afraid to say no? Even just thinking about using this mantra might help you become more aware of how often you’re saying yes when you don’t want to. 
  • Create a go-to routine before you give an answer. On a podcast Brené Brown once said that when asked to do something, she spins her wedding ring on her finger in three circles before she gives an answer. This quick routine will give you time to take a breath, pause, check in with yourself, and respond accordingly. 
  • Don’t pile on the excuses. This tends to happen because you’re uncomfortable saying no and want to fill the awkward space, even though you’re probably imagining that awkward space in the first place. If you find yourself making excuse after excuse, just stop, notice, and don’t make any more. 
  • When you say no, remind yourself what you’re actually saying yes to. There’s always something: more time with your kids, time to go to the gym, a less stressful week. If you can’t think of anything tangible, know that what you’re always saying yes to is yourself. 
  • Avoid making up a fear story about what the outcome will be if you say no. Often people imagine catastrophic fallouts of what will happen if they don’t say yes to a request. Someone will be mad at you or hate you. You’ll lose your job. Watch your thoughts here and ask yourself if that story is really true. Chances are, it’s never going to come true. 
  • Stop apologizing. Many women apologize for what they believe in, for their dreams and ambitions, for anything where other people may not agree with them. Apologizing in those instances comes from a fear of being perceived a certain way. The truth here is that we can never control how other people perceive us. Your apology in those moments is never necessary.
If you work on people-pleasing, you’ll get to a place where you feel more like the real you. Your most authentic self doesn’t need to people please or apologize profusely. Start strengthening this muscle, and you’ll see an about-face in the way you feel about yourself. 
52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life, Updated & Expanded Edition

BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve

By Andrea Owen

An (updated) kick in the ass for women everywhere from podcaster, life coach, author, and self-proclaimed hell-raiser Andrea Owen, this collection of revised challenges will help you discover your inner badass and create the happy life you’ve always wanted.

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